“Wow, you and your ex-husband could be the poster couple for divorce.”
I have heard this statement and variations on the theme quite a few times now. And though I know it’s intended as a compliment and I take it as one, I’m never exactly sure how to respond. “Thanks” doesn’t seem quite right, but neither does denying it’s true, although nothing is perfect—even divorce.
So I do what lots of us do when we aren’t sure how to respond to something: I laugh and say something like “it’s been quite the journey”. That is the truest thing I can say about divorce: it is a journey. And though we still stumble occasionally, we never crash and burn.
I’ve learned some valuable insights along this journey of divorce I wish someone had told me back in the day. It has been suggested to me more than once that my next book should be on navigating divorce, but I’m not sold yet. So instead I’m going to share some insights with you here, knowing you or someone you love may find it useful.
- No one happily married gets divorced. As comedian Louis C.K. says, “No good marriage has ever ended in divorce.” And it is true. No matter who ultimately pulls the trigger, it signals the end of something not working like it should or once did. It is the beginning of a new normal that with it will eventually bring greater happiness and fulfillment, if we let it. It’s true. And let’s not kid ourselves; children know when their parents are unhappy and though it is undoubtedly a difficult transition, adults must handle their divorce as parents first. Of course there is such a thing as unhappy/disconnected people staying married. That’s no good for anybody. It’s like being “stuck in place.” And it’s the worst. Worse than divorce. Promise.
- Respect Survival Mode. A friend of mine introduced the idea of “survival mode” to me when I was in year two of my separation and I was going around and around with her (again) on the facts, experiences, and current state of our marital dissolution. I was again revisiting the whys, the self-recriminations, the confusion, the anger, the pain, the shock…I was deep in my feelings. And she said to me, “You know, you don’t have to do this to yourself. You’re in Survival Mode. Do yourself a favor and save the therapeutic analysis for when you are not trying to just put one foot in front of the other and be a good mom.” Wait? What? I don’t have to do this to myself? I’m the one doing it to myself? When a person is trying to survive in the desert, I imagine they don’t spend a lot of energy and brainpower on how they ended up there and how unfair it is. Instead, they focus on getting out – on surviving. It was a very freeing for an over-analytical person like me to give myself the gift of giving myself a freaking break—to just get through now. There will be time for rest of that—later. And there was, and I did “my work” in the post-mortem of my divorce.
- Take off your spouse hat. Probably the best advice I have is to take off your spouse hat as soon as you can once divorce becomes inevitable. Stop viewing the world (including your soon to be ex’s actions) through the perspective of being that person’s spouse. You’re not anymore, so stop. Think about it: When your soon to be ex does something – anything – the more view that action as his/her spouse, the more it will do a number on you. The only hat you are allowed to wear is your parent hat. Period. You will be amazed by how much you can take off your plate as being your concern once you make this one adjustment to your perspective. It is not your job to make him/her see the wrongness of what’s been done or to make him/her a better person in your eyes. You’re done. Not your problem anymore. Off the hook. Your question is no longer: “How does this make me feel as their spouse?” but instead: “Is this in the best interest/good for my kid?” And don’t try to fool yourself by using kid stuff to get at some of your spouse issues. Hat off. And see how much better you breathe.
- Mindset matters. This is really true. It is (all too easy) to escape to a victim mindset to use as the reason to be pitiful, bitter, and angry. Even if you are the true victim (or think you are). In fact, the only things that will bother you are the things that you allow to bother you. You hold the keys to your own prison! And you are not responsible for pointing out the errors of another’s ways (see #3), so the only thing left to do is to decide what you will do to yourself as a result. I vote for letting it go. Sorry, but your opinion or counsel to your soon to be ex will not likely change a thing except create bigger problems. The moment you stop acting like something bothers you is the moment it will likely stop happening. A little secret I discovered…
- Don’t wait for justice and karma. You feel wronged. Treated badly. Undeservedly so. Yep, that sucks. Not fair. Stop screaming at the sky (too much), demanding justice, or for the karma train to hurry up and work its magic. Because each day that goes by that you feel s/he is “getting away with it” or has “won” is another day you have wasted not living your best life. Focus on you. Not on the soon to be ex. Eyes on your paper. Things have a way of working out but you are not in charge of the timeline. Deal with it. Go back to figuring out how to hang your own holiday lights and doing your own taxes.
There’s more to this list. But let’s start there.
Remember, your kids are watching and learning important life lessons from you at this moment about how to be resilient, face disappointment (and reality), and conquer challenge—all needed skills. So take it easy on yourself but get your head straight, and you may even find yourself embracing your new normal.